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Most people think that discipline is
about being tough or having the crazy
ability to suffer more than everybody
else. But that is not discipline. That
is suffering for the sake of suffering
when it's actually not necessary to
achieve your goals. I want to break down
what discipline actually is. And spoiler
alert, it is not about willpower and
it's not about grit. Here's the thing.
Discipline is not in your DNA. You're
not born with it. It is in your design.
It's about making success easier than
failure by designing your environment to
do the heavy lifting for you. Discipline
is not a personality trait. It's a
system. When I was 19, I was 100 lb
overweight. I was failing out of school.
I didn't have the friends I wanted. I
didn't have the body I wanted. And I was
just a mess. And I thought to myself,
"Oh, I'm just not a disciplined person."
But then here's the thing. Once I
installed systems into my environment to
make it easier to lose weight than to
stay overweight, to make it easier to
have the right friends than to have the
wrong friends, and to make it easier to
work hard than to be lazy, suddenly I
looked really disciplined. For example,
I took out all the junk food in my
house, and if I wanted junk food, I
would have to literally walk to the
store because I didn't have a car. And
that's when I realized that being
disciplined sucks in the moment, but not
being disciplined sucks later. and for
the rest of your life. Most people
aren't disciplined simply because they
don't put systems into place. And they
don't understand how it works. And then
they think that they're lazy. You're not
lazy. You're just not doing the things
that you need to make it easier to be
disciplined than not. And so if you're
wondering, okay, gosh, I think you're
right, but I don't have the systems in
place. Where do I begin? The first thing
that you want to do is block a time on
your calendar where you can actually do
research to put the systems in place.
Even just the system of writing things
down to prompt yourself to take action
is actually a really great system to
have. The question that you should ask
yourself right now is what friction
exists in my current environment that is
making it harder to be disciplined than
to be lazy. That's the first thing you
want to think about. Like what things
around me? Is it the food in my pantry?
Is it the friends that I have? Is it
what do I need to extract from my
environment to make discipline easier?
The second thing that I want you to ask
yourself, willpower and motivation are
like batteries. So, they're going to
constantly deplete. Because here's the
thing, structure is where you derive
power from. And discipline is like the
power grid. So, if you rely on
motivation or feeling motivated, you, my
friend, have already lost. Most days
when I wake up, I don't feel motivated
to do what I've got to do that day. But
I have systems in place that make it
easier to do those things than hard. For
example, when I first start dieting, I
told myself, I'm just going to white
knuckle it. Don't eat anything bad.
Don't eat this. Don't eat that. Don't
eat out. Don't eat dessert. Don't eat
whatever. I would go to dinners with
food everywhere. And it would be so hard
to resist. And it felt like all day I
was resisting something which doesn't
feel good. And I would always cave
because I was relying on motivation. I
was relying on willpower. Whether it's
3:00 or 6:00 or the end of the day or
the end of the night, it would run out
and then I would end up eating something
I didn't want to eat. And that's because
if your day relies on feeling motivated,
if your goals rely on feeling motivated,
then you're already behind because
motivation is unreliable. It is a source
that depletes. It is finite and it's not
something you can control. So if you
don't have structure and you don't have
systems, then you quickly burn through
your motivation and you don't ever get
to achieve your goals because you don't
have the real structure it requires to
achieve one. So what I realized is that
what you have to have to figure out in
order to use this structure is what to
do instead. Instead of relying on
motivation, you create structure. So
what does that look like? If I want to
lose weight and I'm going out to dinner,
I'm going to look at the menus for the
dinner ahead of time. That's one option
I could have, right? I could look at the
menus for the place I'm going to and
then I could pick ahead of time. When I
get there, I don't have to think. I
don't have to decide what I'm going to
eat. I just get to eat what I already
decided upon. The second thing I could
do is I could say, I'm going to build a
system where I eat before I go to dinner
with people. So, I'm going to eat dinner
at my house with the food that I know is
healthy for me and helps me achieve my
goals. Then, I'm going to go dinner and
I'm going to get a tea. Or if it's the
gym, right, and you're just trying to
figure out how to work out, I'm going to
follow an online gym workout template
and I'm going to always have an
alternate for if I've got to travel and
I've got a travel friendly one. And so,
my point is this. It's not that we want
to stop doing the behaviors that are
preventing us from reaching our goals.
is that we want to figure out an
alternative. We want to say, "What can I
do instead? Instead of eating the chips,
what if I order tea? Instead of ordering
the fatty hamburger at the burger bar
we're going to, what if I have a protein
shake before I go?" The biggest way that
I've been able to hack my way into
having a disciplined life is I just find
alternatives. A huge alternative I have
is that, for example, in my house, I had
this cabinet where I always stored
candy. And whenever I go to diet, I
actually put gum and mints where the
candy is. So, every time I go to reach
for the candy, there's a piece of gum
there and then I'm like, "Oh, yeah. I'm
trying to lose weight." And then I just
take a piece of gum, I chew the gum, and
then eventually I forget about the fact
that I even won the candy. It's not that
I try not to do something. It's that I'm
replacing it with a new behavior. And
that is a system. Another system that a
lot of people have is when they wake up,
maybe they eat a really bad breakfast,
maybe you go to Starbucks, you get a
really heavy coffee or something. Okay.
Well, a system you could have is, you
know what I'm going to do when I wake
up? The first thing I'm going to do is
I'm going to walk for 30 minutes.
instead of going to Starbucks and
getting this drink that has 450 calories
in it, because they all do. Not only am
I replacing it with a behavior that's
going to help me, but replacing it with
behavior that's positive, not even just
neutral to my goals. And so, a question
to ask yourself is, what is one decision
that I can make today that will
eliminate 10 decisions for tomorrow?
When I think about this, I think about
alternatives. We want to pick our
alternatives ahead of time. What am I
going to do instead of get my Starbucks
tomorrow morning? What am I going to do
instead of laying on the couch and being
lazy tomorrow night? What am I going to
do instead of eating the hamburger when
I go out with my friends? What am I
going to do instead of drinking 10 beers
at that party? It's not about, "Oh my
god, don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do
it." And just focusing on not doing it.
It's about focusing on what you're going
to do instead. And if you make those
decisions ahead of time, then all you've
got to do is follow the system. The
biggest lie that people tell themselves
is that discipline should feel hard.
Here's the thing. If it's too hard to
repeat, it's not discipline. It's your
ego. It's willpower. Because if
discipline doesn't feel easy, then
you're thinking about it wrong. For
example, when I first started going to
the gym, I went to the most advanced
classes thinking I was going to get
results really fast. So, I remember I
went to it was called body pump. Body
pump was where you would do like 30 reps
of one exercise four times. And so, if
you picked an even moderate weight, you
were going to be fried from that. And I
remember I went to Body Pump three days
in a row and then I went home and I went
to go upstairs to my room and I
collapsed trying to walk up the stairs
because my legs were so sore that I
couldn't even they just did they just
gave out and I was like, "Oh my god."
And I remember the moment I crawled up
the stairs and so I hated it. I remember
I was talking to a friend of mine at the
gym and I told her this and I was like,
"I'm not going to go back to that class.
It's just like too hard for me." And she
said, "Lila, your muscles need time to
adapt. If it's constantly painful and
you're constantly in pain, you're never
going to stick with it. And so what I
realized is that if something feels too
hard or too punishing or it's too
advanced too soon, you're going to
associate it with negativity and you'll
avoid it. You're essentially punishing
yourself. And then when we punish
ourselves, that means we also avoid the
thing that could potentially lead to
punishment. So if every time I work out,
I hurt really bad after, I'm going to
eventually avoid working out because I
know what comes after working out is
feeling really bad and sore after. And
so here's the thing. You're not failing
at discipline. You're just approaching
it from a standpoint of having too big
of an ego, too high of standards too
early on, or you're approaching it from
a place of anxiety rather than ease or
consistency. And so what do we want to
do instead? We want to lower the bar and
stack easy wins. We want to make our
tasks so achievable that we feel good
after we've done them. And then what
happens is if we do something, we feel
good after we do it. then we want to do
it again because we like doing things
that feel good. This is looking at
yourself as a scientist versus being the
judge of your life. You want to be a
scientist of your own behavior and the
way that you act rather than being a
judge who's just trying to punish
yourself all day. And if you do this,
you're going to build positive momentum
and then you will create consistency
because we tend to do things that we
like doing and we tend to try and avoid
things that we don't like doing. And so
question for you to ask yourself is what
habits or routines that you've been
putting in place that you haven't been
sticking with feel punishing and that
pain is making you avoid them. Think
about it. Is it something at work? Is it
something with your relationship? Is it
something with yourself? Is it something
with food? Whatever it might be, if you
constantly do something and then feel
pain because of it, you are likely not
going to stick with it in the long run.
So what this means is that real
discipline is not about stopping a bad
habit. It's about creating a realistic
and better alternative. So, if you want
to build real discipline, this is a
common misconception that you need to
avoid at all costs. So, I'll give you an
example that's pretty morbid, but it
always really resonated with me, which
was my mother was an alcoholic when I
grew up, and she quit drinking by
smoking. Sounds crazy, right? But she
went from drinking to smoking to vaping
to chewing gum to eventually nothing.
And so, she didn't go from zero to
perfect. She continued to replace her
bad habits in with increasingly better
alternatives. I know it sounds nuts, but
too often people think that discipline
means stopping a behavior immediately,
but that almost always fails. So, you
don't need to be perfect right away. You
just need to take a step towards the
next best alternative. What you want to
do is identify a realistic, better, not
perfect alternative to your habit. So,
instead of drinking vodka, maybe you
drink a seltzer. Instead of drinking a
seltzer, maybe you have a craft beer.
Instead of a craft beer, maybe you're
going to have a non-alcoholic beer.
Maybe then instead of a non-alcoholic
beer, then you're going to have a diet
coke. And then, but after a diet coke,
you're going to say, "I'm going to have
a sparkling water." And then from a
sparkling water, you can stick with that
or go to a water. You see how it goes?
It's like you take tiny little steps.
You don't just make the big swing all at
once. This can be done with food as
well. Say you eat dessert every night.
You're like, I eat a Sunday every night.
It's like, all right, I'm going to go
from having a Sunday every night to
nothing. No, let's go from having a
Sunday with caramel, with toppings, with
hot fudge to like, let's have a Sunday
with no hot fudge. Then 2 days later,
let's have a Sunday with no brownie
bites. Then 2 days later, let's have a
Sunday with half the ice cream. And you
just continue to gradually swap out
alternatives in stages. And so small
steps in the right direction turn into
big changes over time. It's just that
most people are so impatient with
themselves, they don't allow themselves
to get there and they stay stuck in this
cycle of going big change and then back
out, big change again, back out. So,
here's the deal. If you want true
freedom, you have to stop relying on how
you feel each day. Freedom comes from
following a plan, not your feelings. A
good example of this is that every year
I map out a 12-month plan for my
business. And now I do this because what
it means is that I take some time. Maybe
it's a week, it's two weeks, it's five
days. And I put all of my effort into
figuring out what's the plan going to
look like to get me to my goal 12 months
from now. Now, why do I do this? I do
this because I'm trying to get all the
hard thinking done ahead of time so that
every day when I step into my business,
I just get to execute. I don't have to
keep thinking. I don't have decision
fatigue. I'm not constantly in this tear
of like, what should I do? What do I
need to do to grow my business? I just
know. And I've been able to achieve that
level of freedom through structure
because without structure, I'm going to
constantly debate with myself and I'm
going to be exhausted because I'm going
to be in this cycle of like decision
execution, decision, execution. And that
decision fatigue is going to prevent any
kind of meaningful progress because I'm
going to be stuck in this cycle of
questioning what I'm doing. But if I do
all the thinking ahead of time and then
I just get to execute, I don't think
about it. I just say, you know what, I'm
going to play this out. I'm going to see
if I make progress. Another example of
this is that every Sunday I plan my
entire next week. Why do I do that? It
is another way of doing this on a micro
level, which is I don't want to wake up
every day and be like, what am I doing
today? I think it's the biggest waste of
my time and energy. And there's nothing
I hate more than not knowing what I'm
going to be doing for the day. Now, it
doesn't have to be perfect. It's
something that you can do. You can test
it out for a week and you'll see how
much more freedom you feel when just on
a daily basis, you're not arguing with
yourself. And so the question that you
can ask yourself is how much energy am I
losing by fighting with myself on a
daily basis. All in all, discipline
isn't sexy. It is boring. And boring is
what scales? Boring is what works. If
your routine is exciting, you're
probably doing it wrong. Because by the
nature of routine, if it's exciting, it
means you don't do it all the time,
which means it's not a routine. It's
funny because people say all the time,
"I would love to see a day in your life,
Ila." And I'm like, well, that's boring
as because my life is a series of
systems strung together every day. And
so it means like I have a system for
working out. I have a system for my
marriage. I have a system for my
business. I have a system for my
friendships. I have a system for my
family. Like I have a system for every
aspect of my life. But here's the thing.
Those systems, those are discipline and
they're real. Are they boring? For sure
they look boring from the outside, but
they get the results that I'm looking
for in my life. And a lot of the times,
most people are just chasing novelty.
They want a new workout. They want a new
mastermind, a new business, a new
meetup, but they don't actually get any
results. They just feel like they're
making progress cuz they get to go to
from 0 to 1 a million times. I'd rather
go from 1 to 10. And so, the reality is,
if your routine is too exciting, you're
probably not actually making progress.
And so, you want to embrace boring
routines. Doing simple things
consistently is what actually leads to
massive success. I have literally never
had a time where I have woken up on a
single day and thought, I want to do
every single thing today. Seriously, I
haven't in a long, long time, probably
15 years. Because most days I wake up, I
at least don't want to do one thing. I
don't want to do the workout. I don't
want to talk to the person. I don't want
to have the hard conversation. I don't
want to do the interview. I don't want
to do eight meetings. I don't want to
run a board meeting. I don't want to
look at these financials. I don't want
to answer these emails. I don't want to
talk to anybody. But I also know that
feelings are pleading. And I want the
long-term satisfaction of knowing that I
can stick with something, knowing I have
control over myself and knowing that
I've mastered something. And what I've
seen is that when you start doing it, it
adds up. And then you start to feel
better about yourself and better than
you've ever felt because you're like, I
trust myself. I trust myself to stick
with the plan. I trust myself to have my
own back. Discipline is not just going
to bring you closer to your goals. It's
going to bring you closer to the person
that you want to be. At the end of the
day, I care more about how I feel about
myself when I'm by myself than I do
about the fleeting moments I had during
the day where maybe I wasn't super into
something. Maybe I didn't want to do it
for 5 seconds, but that always goes
away. Building discipline is only half
the battle. But if this felt valuable,
you can go ahead and watch my video on
building micro habits that could change your
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