This content explores the complex nature of pornography use, challenging common assumptions and arguing that its impact, whether positive or negative, is primarily determined by the individual's underlying psychological state and how they integrate it into their life and relationships, rather than the act of consumption itself.
Mind Map
انقر للتوسيع
انقر لاستعراض خريطة الذهن التفاعلية الكاملة
Get up, get up, get away. You were alive tonight.
tonight.
Cut off so much.
You knew that there was still a way. Cry
again and try anyway. When you got them
back, but you had to pay. Stand up. But
I still knew that there was still a way.
This is your only plan. This is your only
only
now. This is your only plan. Oh, now
this is yours. That's
That's
all you've ever known.
A single state of mind.
But you won't ever let it go. And you
were there alone. You left the door
open. You knew that you were one more.
Give it up. Give it up. Give it away.
You barely wear that day.
So much remain. You knew that there was
You're right.
You force it to yield.
You'll forge it to the lines.
You let your callous be your shield. And
everyone will say
that it all was finished years ago. But
Heat. Heat. [Music]
again found the answer. Then you were
there alone. You left the door unopened
1 2 3 4
and I feel [Music]
[Music] Hey,
Hey, [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] hey, hey.
Hey, [Music]
hey, hey. [Music]
[Music] Hey,
hey, hey. Heat.
Heat. [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] Hey,
[Music] Hey,
[Music] Hey,
Hey, [Music]
[Music] hey, hey.
hey, hey. [Music]
Heat. Heat. [Music]
Heat. Heat. [Music]
A lot of people out there will struggle
to pull themselves out of it.
Move in the right direction. Take one
step forward and let go of what's going
to happen. Heat.
Heat. [Music]
[Music] Heat.
[Music]
All righty chat, let's get started.
Welcome to another Healthy Gamer GG
stream. My name is Dr. Alo Kenoja. Just
a reminder that although I'm a
psychiatrist, nothing we discuss on
stream today is intended to be taken as
medical advice. Everything we discuss
today is for educational or
entertainment purposes only. So if you
all have a medical concern or question,
please go see a licensed professional.
So happy Friday everybody. For those of
y'all that are celebrating Independence
Day in the United States of America,
happy Independence Day. Um today we have
a fun topic.
So we're talking about potentially
healthy porn use. Um and what makes porn
use healthy? what makes porn use
potentially unhealthy. Um, so I think
we're going to dive into a lot of fun
research, but before we kind of get started,
started,
I want to share a couple of things with
y'all. Um,
so one thing that's super cool, let me
see if I can find this. Uh, give me a
Okay. So, a couple of cool things
before we get started.
First is if y'all have been around
recently, y'all may have noticed that we
did a couple of lectures on pueris. And
this is something that we're trying to
do more recently. Like so when there's a
topic that really matters to people in
the community and people really resonate
with um we may get more into puer later
if you guys want, but um we we've
started to create like uh resource
pages. So just additional info kind of
summaries some of these like graphics
and things like that. Um and so
there's and because people will ask us
like what do I do? And so I'm happy to
explain like concepts and things like
that and some like ways to get started
but the truth of the matter is if y'all
like are struggling with something
you know it's not something that I can
explain in 30 minutes or sometimes I can
but the problem is everyone is a little
bit different. So you sort of have to
figure out what works for you. Um and so
we've tried to create different kinds of
resources and things like that. So if
you kind of go to our it'll give you all
some guidance as to what to do. Um if we
look at resources, you know, there's
stuff like Dr. K's guide which I think
there's a lot of stuff around ego which
would help whoevers a lot. Um we also
have a lot of like free resources
because a lot of people, you know, don't
have access to funds or means to do
things. And then um you know we have
coaching and stuff like that,
memberships for more advanced topics. So
there's all kinds of stuff and hopefully
it'll help you all get started. Um
another cool thing is we launched this
meditation tracks thing where um it sort
of gives you kind of a structure. Oh
man, hold on.
And this is really cool. So, since we
launched this, we've had people
meditating for like 700 hours, which is
neat, right? So, we launched this on
June 25 around June 25th. Um, so over
the course of the last like week, week
and a half, um, seems like people are
meditating like pretty consistently and
that's like super cool. So, we're trying
to build some of these tools for y'all.
Um, yeah. Last thing is uh we have a um
our early bird sign up special for Dr.
Honda's workshop is over. Um I think
we've got uh a few dozen seats left
maybe. Um but I I think you know a lot
of it is
uh reserved now. So if y'all are
interested uh Dr. Honda is an expert in
things like relationships, um,
um,
expert in relationships, attachment
style, and personality disorders. And,
and a lot of times, you know, I'll talk
about we'll talk about, okay, like if
you've got toxic parents, this is the
effect that it has on you. And then
people will sort of ask me a question
like, okay, how do I heal from bad
parenting? And that's what the workshop
is all about. It's it's not an area of
expertise of mine. I don't that is not
my my jam. um this whole like healing
self-love kind of thing like I I know
it's kind of weird to say but it's not
just how I approach things. So we'll see
we all will get a taste of how I
approach things later today which is
tends to be a little bit more analytical
a little little bit more explanatory
um you know alternative medicine stuff
sure but sort of like the more rigorous
side of it. Last thing is we are still
looking for voicemails. So if y'all want
to submit voicemails really love it. I
think people like it a lot. Um y'all can
use the the command exclamation point
voicemail in chat to um
sort of submit your voicemails. Okay.
Their guidelines like 90 seconds. So
offer us like a little bit of context
and what the challenge is and then we'll
try to get through those so that we can
answer like more questions. Okay. All
right. So without further ado, today
we're going to talk about healthy
pornography use and whether healthy
pornography use is possible
and as we answer this question I hope we
will be able to discover right so if if
we understand what healthy pornography
use looks like if it's possible
then what we can do is once we know what
healthy use looks like then we may have
some insight into what creates unhealthy
use and if we understand those two
variables, it will give us a way to
navigate our pornography use, right? So,
what is really the problem with pornography?
pornography?
Um, and I I think like so this too is
like inspired a little bit by people in
our community. So, is moderate porn use
really that bad? I've been conflicted
with porn. I I used to watch it a lot.
Then I would be in a cycle of low-key
trying to quit. Um, you know, one of the
most common arguments that I have is
that if you start watching it twice a
week, then it ramps ramps up. Um, you
know, there are people who are clearly
pro porn. Um, I'm concerned about frying
my dopamine receptors since porn gives
you a high dopamine rush.
You know, one final thing is that people
say it ruins relationships and makes sex
worse. So, um, the counterargument is I
usually hear is that I'm replacing porn
for sex, but if I stop watching porn
when I'm in a relationship where I can
have sex, then is it okay to start
watching it now if I can't get it any
other way? So, there's there's, you
know, this post is pretty long and I
think it touches on a lot of the common
ideas about pornography. Okay, so the
first is that porn is bad for you. So,
we know that porn activates your
dopamine receptors. Um, people struggle
to sort of figure out how to use
pornography in relationships. Is porn
something that I should do outside of
relationship? Is it something I should
do inside of a relationship? Is it a
form of infidelity? Like, what's the
deal? Okay. And what's really shocking
is that
we now sort of have a very good idea of
maybe not a very good idea, a far better
idea of what makes pornography
problematic. And what we've discovered
is actually quite shocking. So there's
been an explosion of research in the
last two or three years. And the key
thing is there's been a lot of something
of something called meta analyses. So
meta analyses are are when we take like
something like you know studies that
have a thousand particip participants
each we put them together so that we
have a sample size of like 50,000
people. One of the studies that we're
going to be looking at today um combines
data from 50,000 individuals and what we
sort of found is like quite shocking. So
a couple of the key things that people
as we've combined all this data here are
a couple of shocking things that float
to the surface. The first is that the
amount of pornography that you watch
does not seem to be correlated with what
how damaging it is. Shocking. So there
are people who watch a lot of
pornography for whom it is a big problem
and people who watch a lot of
pornography for whom it is not a big
problem. Okay. So the amount that you
watch so this kind of like general idea
that you know once you start ramping up
it becomes more damaging that doesn't
appear to be the case. Okay. And we'll
support this all with data in a second.
Second thing is that there's this really
contentious idea around pornography and
relationships. But as the data shows, a
lot of um pornography actually enhances
relationships. So pornography can be
used to enhance relationships or it can
cause problem in relationships and we'll
sort of dissect why that happens. Okay.
Um so these are like two really big
things. Third thing is that it seems
that whether pornography is harmful or
not doesn't depend on whether you're in
a relationship, doesn't depend on the
frequency of usage, but depends on the
way that you use it. And this is what I
I think is sort of floating to the
surface. So we have all these ideas that
like, you know, porn is bad for us,
right? And and we have this idea that
like porn is like this stuff that
affects the brain. And that's something
that I've explained several times
before, how it affects the brain,
affects our dopamine supporters,
um, affects our emotional circuitry. So
therefore, it is bad. But I think the
picture that we're starting to develop
about pornography is that it's actually
very similar to any other addictive
thing, whether it's a behavior or a
substance. So if we look at alcohol
addiction or alcohol usage, 6% of people
are addicted to alcohol.
the majority of people who utilize
alcohol can utilize it in a healthy way.
And I think what we're starting to see
with pornography is that that may be
true. Now, this is where things are a
little bit different because substance
use disorders and and behavioral
addictions are fundamentally different.
In the case of alcohol use, for example,
you can have a genetically inherited
single receptor which
which
alcohol activates more robustly. So you
can have a very robust transmission of a
neurotransmitter called GABA and that
can make you like you know you can have
like alcoholism runs in families. So you
can inherit a single receptor. So this
is important to understand when we're
talking about a substance use disorder
like a like a substance-based addiction.
You can have an alteration of a single
receptor that can drastically increase
your risk of addiction. When it comes to
behavioral addictions like video game
addiction, pornography addiction, social
media addiction, whatever, there's not a
single receptor in your brain that you
know gets activated by a chemical
compound. Therefore, I think the the
risk of these behavioral addictions is
more like global. So, it's more like of
a whole brain effect. There are more
issues around personality and and kind
of vulnerability, personality
vulnerabilities and certain kinds of
behaviors and dynamics that make it
addictive or not addictive. We'll go
into all that. Does that kind of make
sense y'all?
So today we're going to talk about this
stuff, okay? And then once we
understand, so it's not based on the
frequency of usage, can actually be used
to enhance relationships, can improve a
sense of like like life satisfaction by
using pornography like there's data
behind that. So we're going to dive into
all that and then what we'll sort of
settle on is what when does pornography
become problematic and how do we address
those issues? Okay. So,
So,
let's start. Feel like there was one
other thing that I wanted to say. Oh, yeah.
yeah.
So, um
Okay. So, let's start with this study.
Okay. So, this is a study that's looking
at perceived effects of pornography on
the couple relationship. Initial
findings of an open-ended
participant-in-formed bottomup research.
Okay, so here's the key first thing key
thing we need to understand about
pornography addiction research. Much of
the empirical research concerning
pornography's impact on couple
relationships can be legitimately
characterized as a confirmatory search
for the presumed harms of exposure.
So let's start by understanding what
this means. Okay.
uh typically involve theoretically
guided experimental and correlational
investigations of pornography use on
selective closeended uh end points.
Okay. So what does this mean? This means
that if we look at the research on pornography,
the studies will be trying to assess
pornography addiction or problematic
pornography use. They are not looking at
the effect of pornography. They're
saying, "Let us see if pornography is
damaging." So when these researchers are
doing this investigation, they will
craft their questions and frame the the
study in a way that presumes that
pornography is harmful. So they'll use
close-ended questions like, "Do you have
a problem with pornography? would or do
you use more pornography than you want
to? For example, so if you look at that
question, I can answer yes to that
question, but that doesn't mean that I
have a problem with pornography, right?
Like you could say like, do you eat more
chips than you want to? Yes.
And just because I eat more chips than I
want to doesn't mean that I'm addicted
to chips. So the first thing that these
researchers are now researchers are now
realizing is that there's like a bias in
the way that we do research. So what
what this study is is they didn't start
with the presumption that pornography is
harmful. They did qualitative research
that's bottom up. So they just asked
people open-ended questions like how
does pornograph if pornography affect
your relationships? So let's take a look
at what they found.
Okay. So if you just like if you don't
presume it's harmful. Uh the other thing
is that we should talk about is that
most of the research on pornography is
done on individuals
right so that it's not looking at
relationships and asking what is the
impact that pornography has on your
relationships. it. Sometimes they'll
have uh studies like that where they'll
ask, "How has pornography harmed your
relationship?" And do you all see how
like those two research questions are
very different?
But there all these assumptions about
the harms of pornography use, right? So
there's a bunch of
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.
Okay. So let's look at this. So while a
similar number of positive and negative
perceived effects were identified,
generally speaking, positive effects of
pornography use were reported more
frequently than negative consequences by
participants. And there was a
predominant tendency for participants to
reject the view that pornography
contributes to negative consequences.
I.e. that pornography people were on
board with the idea that pornography has
no negative impacts. Okay. Um
Um
so it would appear that many individuals
experience effects of pornography on
themselves and the couple relationship
that do not conform to the investigator
imposed closeended endpoints represented
in bulk of published experimental and
correlational research in this area.
Okay. What that sort of means is that if
you ask people open-ended questions, how
does pornography impact your
relationship? Instead of asking them is,
does what problems does pornography
cause? We end up with very different
answers. The most common response in
this sample by a very large margin was
that pornography had no negative impacts
on the pornography users, their partners
or their relationships. So the most
common answer, right? And this is a a s
this is asking 430 people by the way. Okay.
Okay.
Um so many scholars may be surprised and
dismissive of the reports of positive
perceived effects of pornography use as
it has been strongly asserted that
pornography limits rather than
liberalizes sexuality. Such assertions
have their roots in long-standing
radical feminist assumptions that
pornography privileges male sexual
pleasure, denies female agency, and
degrades women. Okay. Um,
so several positive perceived effects
uncovered in this study correspond to
known clinical benefits of pornography
use, including several benefits that
have been established in experimental
studies involving women, such as
increased sexual arousal and interest. Okay.
Okay. um
um
the acquisition or imitation of
pleasurable sexual behaviors and the
reduction of sexual anxiety.
Right? We uh we are pro particularly
intrigued by the prominent theme
concerning p pornography's association
with sexual communication.
We found that many people expressed how
using pornography made communication
easier and such responses frequently
mentioned learning about each other
through sexual self-disclosures of likes
and dislikes as well as increased
perceived closeness and intimacy that
accompanied such communications.
Okay, so this is very interesting. Now,
we're going to present a lot more nuance
than this. Okay. So the first thing to
understand, right, we're going to recap
for a bit, is that a lot of the studies,
so there were there's this kind of idea
from radical feminist views that
pornography is subjugating to women and
things like that. And I think there's a
fair amount of evidence for that.
There's a lot of abuse that happens in
the production of pornography. Um, I I
don't think that those arguments are
wrong by any means. These authors, I think,
think,
re I think they draw a conclusion. So,
like they have this sentence over here
that I don't agree with. Um, so here's
something spicy. I left it out. In light
of such empirical evidence, continuing
claims that pornography typically limits
sexual expression, especially for women,
are dubious at best. So, they sort of
make this conclusion. I don't know if
that's a fair conclusion.
But the key thing here is that if you
ask people how pornography messes up
your relationship, and it does
negatively impact relationships. We'll
get to that. That's the key point. But
on the whole, if you ask 430 people who
do not have problems and who do not have
a problem, you just ask them how does
pornography affect your relationship.
The most common answer is that it
doesn't cause a negative impact and that
there are a lot of really interesting
that things that come up which are like
it enhances communication. It gives
people ideas, it gives people an option
to to explore, um it helps them
understand their partner, it increases
sexual intimacy, which is weird, right?
That's not the narrative that we hear a lot.
lot.
So this is the first thing is that it
doesn't necessarily harm relationships.
In fact, it appears sometimes quite the opposite.
opposite.
Um so here's a a study looking
specifically at women. So women in
relationships and their pornography use
a systematic review and thematic
synthesis. So shared use of pornography
with partners provided variety in sexual
activities could aid in communication
about sexual issues and helped improve intimacy.
intimacy.
Pornography use can help some women feel
sexually empowered, relaxed, and better
able to enjoy their sexual lives. Right.
So we're not going to go into Let me
I don't know why it's over there. Okay.
Just make sure. Yeah. I don't think
there's something else I want to pull
out of this.
Oh no. See?
Okay. So, let let's take a look at this
in more detail. Um,
so here's here's some so generally
speaking, women appear to find
pornography on average to be helpful.
But there is some more concerning
evidence. So among women, however, there
is a negative association between
discontinuing pornography use and
divorce. Of those women who continue to
watch porn during both surveys, 18% are
predicted to be divorced at time two,
compared to only 6% of those who stopped
viewing porn in between the two surveys.
Overall, these figures suggest that
women who watch pornography get divorced
at higher rates than men who watch
pornography. So, this is a bit of data
that seems to imply that women who
continue to watch pornography after they
enter a relationship have a higher rate
of breaking up.
Um, so and and some of these concerns
about pornography in the relationship
are valid, right? So nearly one-third of
engaged or and married women report that
they view pornography as a form of
marital infidelity. So there are
actually like there's like there are
absolutely subpockets
or pockets of
there are absolutely pockets of people
who find pornography use problematic in
relationships and there is some evidence
that it leads to higher rates of breakup and
and
um divorce and a third of women find it
to be a sign of marital infidelity.
Okay, I'm going to just check in with
y'all for a second. Um,
Um,
how do y'all feel about
the pace of the data? Are y'all able to understand?
understand?
Do you all want me to slow down, speed
up? What do y'all want me to do?
It's great. Okay, great. Okay, awesome.
We're going to keep going. Okay, so the
key thing here, so I want to stop for a
second and just talk about this. Okay.
So the key thing here is that if we look
on if we if we don't ask biased
questions, it seems like pornography can
be used in a healthy way that even women
find uh I I don't know if I can say the
majority of women, but there is a solid
amount of evidence that many women find
pornography use in relationships and men
in relationships as non- negative
things. In fact, it can enhance
communication and intimacy and lead to
things like exploration. But there are
there is evidence that even though
people feel like it can be good, there
is an increased risk of breakup and
divorce that a third of women consider
it to be some form of infidelity. Right?
So this is where I think we're kind of
getting into like why we want to talk
about this today. How do we tell the
difference? Right? So how what is the
difference between a relationship where
we watch pornography, it enhances
communication and intimacy and in
another relationship where we use
pornography and it increases the risk of
divorce. It is not the pornography itself.
itself.
It is something going on within the
relationship or within the person that
makes it problematic or positive. So,
there is a way to use pornography in
your own life where it doesn't harm you,
potentially even helps things. There is
a way to use pornography in your
relationships where it doesn't harm you,
potentially helps the relationship. And
there are ways that you can use
pornography that seem to cause problems.
Okay? So, let's get into why that is. Um
Um
so now let's talk about
pornography consumption and satisfaction
a meta analysis.
Okay so this is looking at the
relationship between pornography
consumption and satisfaction.
So first that satisfaction is a
subjective state influenced by
comparisons. Okay.
Um I got to add some context. So in
early papers, authors primarily
hypothesized that pornog pornography had
detrimental effects on satisfaction.
I.e. if you watch pornography, it's
going to ruin sex for you. Right? This
first that satisfaction is a subjective
state influenced by comparisons to
others and their experiences. So
basically people assumed that
pornography would have a detrimental
effect on your satisfaction. And the
reason is because if you watch porn, you
have all these unrealistic expectations
of what sex looks like and stuff like
that. And then when you engage in the
real thing, the tits are not huge, the
penises are not huge, not everything is
huge and bouncy and super high defaf and
colorful and whatever, right? And so
therefore, you will feel less satisfied
than the real thing. Second, that
pornograph pornographic actors are more
sexually attracted and skilled than most
consumers and their partners and the
gratifications from sex depicted in
pornography exceed the gratifications
that most consumers experience in their
lives. Right? So the gratification that
is portrayed in pornography with all the
yelling and the screaming and the
wriggling and the shaking and the and
the moaning and the whatever is like so
big and like you know the gallons and
gallons of bodily fluids that are
expressed. Real life just isn't like
that. You know, penis is like 4 in. The
sexual act on average lasts 3 to seven
minutes. 50% of women prefer that it be
done within 10 to 15 minutes.
And so like if there's this like larger
than-l life kind of representation, you
compare it to the real thing, you will
feel inferior. Okay.
Um in recent papers, however, it has
become common for authors to reason that
pornography may enhance the satisfaction
of consumers. Okay.
So uh for example in a series of studies
Hald and colleagues found that when
queried about how pornography has
impacted them consumers report that
their use has increased their
satisfaction with their sexual
knowledge, outlook, efficacy, skill,
relations, experiences, and even their
life in general. Like what?
If you ask people like how does porn
affect your life? They're like yeah it
makes me better at life in general. It
makes me more effective. I'm learning
some secret jutsus from the porn hub.
Um, people who consume pornography more
frequently and for longer dur durations
are especially likely to perceive such
positive impacts. What?
So people who watch more porn and watch
porn longer are more likely to say that
it increases their their sexual
knowledge, their outlook, their
efficacy, their skill,
their relations.
Yeah, I watch porn for an hour three
times a week. It really enhances my relationships
relationships
and it really improves my life. Like
what? Okay. Um,
Um,
right. So, this is like really strange.
Let me see if Let me just make sure
there's not other stuff here that I want
to highlight.
Okay. I think that's this paper. Okay, great.
great.
So, this is strange, right? This is not
the bill of sale. Like, this is not what
we were sold.
And so, is it really that bad?
because there's all these kinds of
communities, right, about um you know,
like nofap and things like that. So,
like let's try to dig into y'all curious
about this. Do y'all want to like um
y'all want to go over more research and
dive into what's going on or y'all want
to take a look at more posts? What do
y'all think? Okay, let me just check in.
Okay, these studies are fake and biased. Okay,
we'll we'll keep going. Okay. All right.
All right.
Next. The highs and lows of pornography
use. Does motivation affect users life
satisfaction? So now this is important.
So if you look at some studies on
pornography, they show that as you use
pornography, your life satisfaction goes
down. You have depressive effects. We're
going to get to those studies in more
detail in a second. Now, this is a
really cool study because this is a
study that's trying to figure out for
the people who have highs from
pornography and people who have lows
from pornography, what's the difference?
If it improves your life satisfaction or
makes your life satisfaction worse, what
is the difference? So, now we're getting
to a more nuanced understanding of
pornography. The first of which is that
porn hold on a second. Wait for the
garage to close. Okay.
more like people are Yeah. So, we'll
we'll get to So, they talk about bias here.
here.
Let me see if I can find this. Okay,
Okay,
let's take a look at this. Right. So
y'all were saying, "But what if they're biased?"
biased?" Oh.
Oh.
So, however, these authors of these
studies caution that these
self-perceived effects may also be due
to rationalization, justification, and
biased optimism. It is common for people
to rationalize and justify and to
perceive themselves as personally less
susceptible to any negative impacts of
the behaviors that provide them with
immediate and powerful rewards. Right?
So, great job, chat. you all pointed
out, hey, like maybe it really doesn't
have these effects. Maybe people are
wrong. They're biased. They're not going
to answer honestly. And that's a
consideration in the research for sure. Okay.
Okay.
So, now let's look at the highs and lows
of pornography use because there are but
the not the counterargument, but an
additional data point to consider is
that some studies show that it causes
problems and some studies show that it
doesn't cause problems. So now this
study is trying to figure out does
motivation affect users life
satisfaction. This is an important
study. We're going to pause for a
second. Okay. So
we know that porn harms some people
seems to help some people. So now the
question is what's the difference? Is
the reason that you use pornography is
your motivation towards pornography does
that influence whether it helps your
life or harms your life? Okay, really
cool question.
Participants with problematic
pornography use felt less satisfied with
Okay. Participants with problematic
pornography use felt less satisfied with
their life, were less self-aware, and
experienced lower levels of perceived
choice than both the no symptom and few
symptom groups. Okay.
Um, so this is a a study that's looking
at problematic pornography use versus
non-proatic pornography use and what's
the difference.
So let's keep going. I think there's
more stuff in here. Okay. Studies
focused on the effect of uh problematic
use on sexual well-being and satisfac or
no pornography use on sexual well-being
and satisfaction suggested that although
it can have positive effects on one's
attitude, sexual well-being and sexual
satisfaction when it becomes
problematic, it is often associated with
negative outcomes on the affformentioned
variables. So this is important to
understand. There is a camp of people
for whom it is okay. And if we shift
into problematic use, all of the things
that pornography enhances, it now starts
to damage,
right? So like pornography use is a
little bit like
I'd almost say it's like let's like
consider drinking water.
So drinking water is generally speaking
healthy for you. But if you cross over
into hyponetriia
which is consuming too much water and
your sodium balance drops suddenly water
which helped you can start to now cause
weird swelling in your brain and things
like that. So there is a critical point
at which pornography becomes problematic
and the moment it becomes problematic
all the things that it used to help in
your life it is now hurting. Okay,
Okay,
let's see if we can figure out why. Okay.
Okay. So, now let's look at the
discussion. Our results suggest that
compared to nonproat problematic
pornography users, individuals with pro
problematic pornography use experience
less self-awareness and have a lesser
sense of choice. specifically that less
autonomous and more exttrinsic
motivations are associated with higher
levels of problematic pornography use.
Okay. So, people who are not very
self-aware and feel like they're out of
control in life, people who are driven
more by extrinsic motivations,
people who feel like they they are not
autonomous with their pornography use,
those are the the signs of problematic
pornography use. Now, this is where
things become a little bit tricky
because if I'm addicted to porn, does
that lead to a lack of autonomy or does
a lack of autonomy lead to problematic
pornography use? Do you all understand
that? It's like maybe I feel out of
control, which is why I feel out of
control, like I can't I'm addicted to
porn. I It makes me out of control.
Is it the chicken or the egg?
Based on current outcomes, we can posit
that individuals who experience negative
symptoms associated with pornography use
are less self-determined and autonomous
in their motivation and are less
satisfied with their life. Okay, so this
is like sort of seems obvious, right?
Where like okay, so if you have negative
symptoms with pornography use, you're
going to be less satisfied, less deter,
less self-determination, less autonomy,
and less satisfied with your life. Okay,
now we get to the motherload and then we
tie it together. Okay,
Okay,
high frequency pornography use may not
always be problematic. Okay, so this is
a really interesting study
that looks at the frequency of
pornography use and compares
highfrequency pornography use. This is
where the acronyms get a little bit
tricky, but I'll help you all out. Okay.
So, they basically look at like how
often you use porn and how problematic
it is. And what they discover is that
frequency of use doesn't necessarily
correlate with problematic use. So, even
if you watch a lot, it's not necessarily bad.
bad.
And they look at all kinds of things.
They look at impulsivity,
compulsivity, ADHD. It's a really great study.
Okay, here we go.
So first thing really fascinating ADHD
symptoms did not distinguish between
nonproatic highfrequency use i.e. people
who watch a lot of porn but doesn't
affect them negatively and problematic
highfrequency use. So both both
categories are watching a lot
but ADHD doesn't seem to affect whether
it's problematic or not. What ADHD does
do is seems to correlate with higher
levels of usage but not necessarily
problematic usage despite previous
results reporting a positive association
between ADHD and problematic use. So I
think this is really important. Okay.
Previous studies have showed that ADHD
correlates with problematic pornography
usage. But if you separate what it
probably correlates with is more
pornography usage but not necessarily
problematic. So it increases the total
amount of porn consumed, not necessarily
making it harmful. Okay.
Um the latter finding is consistent with
the criteria for hypersexuality dis
disorder that include engaging in
behaviors such as pornography viewing to
escape from or cope with negative mood
states. regarding stress, well-being,
and depression domains. Measures of
perceived stress, mindfulness, and
satisfaction with one's life did not
differentiate between non-promatic
highfrequency use and problematic high
frequency use. So, this is crazy.
So stress, well-being and depression
domains, measures of perceived stress,
mindfulness or satisfaction with one's
life do not appear to differentiate
people who are healthy gooners from
people who are unhealthy Gooners. Okay.
According to the present results,
individuals having lower levels of
self-esteem were more likely to belong
to the problematic highfrequency use. So
low self-esteem seems to be critical.
Not stress, not how mindful you are. So
you can be like meditating a lot, but if
you still have low self-esteem, now
we're really getting somewhere. If you
use pornography to deal with cope with
negative mood states, that's a problem.
Not directly. So this is this is kind of
tricky. Okay, so I'm going to explain this.
this.
You may say, but hold on a second, Dr.
K. Like let's look at this sentence and
this sentence. This sentence says
depression is not correlated with
problematic use. This sentence right
here. And this sentence says
escaping from negative behav uh negative
mood states is associated with
problematic use. Okay? So let's talk
about this.
So it's not whether you're depressed or not.
not.
It is how you manage those feelings of
depression. Do you all understand the
So depression or well-being or life
satisfaction aren't directly correlated.
It is the way in which you use the
pornog. It's not the feelings themselves
that cause the pornography problems. It
is the way that you use the pornography
in relation to the feelings. So there
are a lot of people who are depressed
who watch porn but don't use it as a
coping mechanism.
They may be in relationships where it
actually enhances their sexual intimacy
and their feeling of connection. So it
is not the presence or absence of
depression. It is the it is how the
pornography combines with the feelings
of depression. Key thing though is that
it seems like self-esteem as a variable
is correlated with with problematic use.
Okay. So if you feel bad about yourself
and you watch pornography that is
probably a problem.
Okay. This is all correlational data. Um,
Um,
so among men who viewed pornography and
thought about it as wrong, relatively
low frequencies of pornography viewing
were associated with depressive
symptoms. So this is also really interesting.
interesting.
The way you view pornography, issues of
moral inongruence and religious views,
th that's what causes the problem.
So, it's not how much you watch. If I
think watching pornography is wrong, if
I'm in a relationship where I my partner
thinks watching pornography is moral infidelity,
infidelity,
then if I watch pornography, then it
causes problems. It is my attitude
towards pornography plus a small amount
of usage that causes the problem. Not
the pornography itself.
There is something within my mind that
when combined with pornography can make
it healthy for me or unhealthy for me. Okay.
Okay.
Oh my god. Okay. Let me just make sure
this is the last thing and then we'll
explain. Okay. So overall basic
psychological needs frustration
contribute importantly to illness and
impairment. Individuals who feel they
cannot develop mutual meaningful social
relationships because they are hindered
in them may find pornography is an easy
way to feel connected to someone
especially in the case of feeling that
they are hindered in their romantic
relationships. This process could result
in a vicious cycle of pro problematic
pornography use in which the individual
cannot develop meaningful personal
relationships, thus consuming more
pornographic materials, which in turn
could result in even fewer social interactions.
interactions.
Furthermore, individuals who feel
ineffective in their environment and
feel that they are thwarted in
fulfilling their capacities might turn
to pornography is a tool to reduce their
negative feelings in emotions deriving
from competence frustration such as in
the case of depression.
Okay. Non-proatic highfrequency users
and problematic highfrequency user
groups. Competence and relatedness
frustration differentiated the classes.
Okay. So, I'm going to pause for a
second. Did y'all understand what that
meant? And if not, now we're going to
Did y'all get that? What did y'all
understand from that? That's kind of the
Okay, good. Great. I think it means I
can go on. Okay.
Okay.
So, let's understand this. Okay. going
to tie it together. So,
So,
The answer is it depends.
Okay. So, the first thing that's really
is not directly correlated with bad or good.
good.
So you can watch a ton of porn doesn't
necessarily mean that it's harmful. That
there are cases where it enhances intimacy,
intimacy, satisfaction.
satisfaction.
It's like, yeah, like I got a promotion.
I went home and I watched porn for a
while. Like I'm living the life. It's
great, dude. It's great.
So
this is it's not bad and then this is
it's bad. So let's understand what makes
it bad.
Okay. So we know that pornography is
associated with loneliness.
Pornography can cause relationship
problems and we'll talk about
relationship problems in a second.
But here's the key thing.
So this issue I want to kind of pull
this up because this is like it's
nuanced. It's important. Okay.
Basic psychological needs frustration.
This is the problem. This is the nuts
and bolts.
This is really important to understand.
Problematic pornography use does not depend
depend
on whether your needs are satisfied or
not. So psychological needs frustration
comes from something called
self-determination theory. And what they
basically say is that human beings
Psychological frustration does not come
from whether this box is filled in or not.
not.
Okay, you can be satisfied with an empty
box or not satisfied. You're not
satisfied, but this doesn't cause the
problem. You can have have an empty box
and be fine. What causes the problem is
when I try to fill in the box and it
doesn't work.
So when I make an attempt and I am rebuffed,
that is what causes the problem.
So people who try to engage in
relationships and psychological
determination theory has a couple of uh
components. Okay. The first is autonomy.
and my attempts to relate slashconnect
slashconnect
with others
are rebuffed.
This is really important to understand.
In both cases, you can be lonely or not lonely.
lonely.
Like it doesn't matter. It's not the
loneliness. It is not the need being
satisfied or not satisfied that causes
the problem. You can be hungry. What
increases the risk of social uh
problematic pornography use is when I
try to connect to another human being
and I am rejected.
When I have no purpose or direct no when
I try to exert a direction in life. When
I try to exert control, when I try to do
a good job and it doesn't work out, that
is what leads to problematic pornography
use. A sense of lack of autonomy
after trying.
A sense of l This is not loneliness. No,
after trying.
This is what leads to problematic
pornographies. It isn't the loneliness itself.
itself.
And this is when we get into this
vicious cycle.
Okay. Individuals who cannot fe who feel
that they cannot develop mutual
meaningful social relationships because
they are hindered in them may find
pornography an easy way to feel
connected to someone.
This process could result in a vicious
cycle of problematic pornography use in
which the individual cannot develop
meaningful personal relationships, thus
consuming more pornographic materials,
which in turn could result in fewer
social interactions.
Furthermore, individuals who feel
ineffective in their environment and
feel they are thwarted in fulfilling
their capacities may turn to pornography
is a tool to reduce their negative
feelings and emotions
deriving from competence frustration
such as in the case of depression.
So this is important.
It's not just
that they are lonely. It's that they try
to connect and then they get rejected.
And then the other thing that happens is
right? And this could be depression,
then they turn to porn
And so what makes pornography use
problematic is the intersectionality of
who you are, how you view it, the way
that you use it, but also, this is
really important, the way that you are
in the outside world, do I have low
self-esteem? Did I try to connect with
other people and I get rejected?
And this is, I think, why we're seeing
an epidemic of pornography use. It's not
about the dopamine. It's not about the
amygdala. It's not about the emotions.
It is about an attempt to connect to
other people. It is about an attempt to
create direction in your life. It is
about an attempt to exert competency.
that's when pornography becomes a
problem. It is those feelings
combined with the unhealthy coping
mechanisms, right? That's what creates
So if you are you it's not the
pornography itself, right? So if you
want to use pornography in a healthy
way, this is where the first thing that
we have to do is work on self-esteem.
The second thing we have to do is focus
on autonomy.
The third thing we have to do is focus
on competence and exerting competence.
It's not just being competent.
It is being able to let that competence
find a manifestation in the real world.
It is about being able to control the
direction of your life.
And here's the key thing, relatedness.
with other people
and then what we can do is get to the
standard pornography addiction stuff,
But I want y'all to understand this.
this is not just doing this stuff. So
this is why I think everyone struggles
with with pornography addiction because
they focus on these things and not these things.
things.
Now there are a couple of other nuances
here. The first is that these are perceptions.
perceptions.
Psychological frustration remember is
not about the reality of whether you are
alone or not alone. This is so weird.
You can be alone and not be
psychologically frustrated. The
psychological frustration is what causes
the damage, not the loneliness.
It is the attempt to connect where you
get rejected. That is what causes the
problem. But that too is a perception.
So this is the crazy thing, right? So a
lot of people think like you fall into
this trap which is like very real
of getting trapped in an isolated way
where you watch a bunch of porn, it's
hard for you to socialize and then you
kind of get trapped in the cycle. But
this is the crazy thing.
It's not about you actually being alone.
It's about your perception when you go
out into the world.
Do you get rejected? Yeah.
But some people get rejected and will
try again.
Some people will even
like when they get rejected, they kind
of won't take it personally, right?
There's a there's a weird like
psychological component where if you ask
someone out on a date and they say no,
that doesn't mean that you're a loser,
that means maybe they're not interested
in dating. Maybe they're not attracted to your gender. So, when I work with
to your gender. So, when I work with people who are addicted to pornography,
people who are addicted to pornography, what I find is they fill in the gaps of
what I find is they fill in the gaps of their real rejections with a lot of
their real rejections with a lot of psychological frustration.
And it's and this is what makes it so hard. It's not that the rejection isn't
hard. It's not that the rejection isn't real,
real, but it is not the rejection or it's not
but it is not the rejection or it's not that the loneliness is not real. The
that the loneliness is not real. The loneliness is real, but the loneliness
loneliness is real, but the loneliness is not the problem. It is the attempt to
is not the problem. It is the attempt to connect followed by the rejection.
connect followed by the rejection. And this is where this is the the really
And this is where this is the the really like good and bad thing. The good thing
like good and bad thing. The good thing is that part of this is in your
is that part of this is in your perception, not all of it. So there's a
perception, not all of it. So there's a reality here, but it is the way that you
reality here, but it is the way that you connect with that reality. It is the way
connect with that reality. It is the way that you interpret that reality that is
that you interpret that reality that is what is really in your control.
what is really in your control. Right? So this is where like oftenimes
Right? So this is where like oftenimes people will get upset with because Dr. K
people will get upset with because Dr. K doesn't understand the reality of my
doesn't understand the reality of my situation. I'm not saying that there
situation. I'm not saying that there isn't a loneliness epidemic. There is a
isn't a loneliness epidemic. There is a loneliness epidemic. The issue is in a
loneliness epidemic. The issue is in a loneliness epidemic, if you were
loneliness epidemic, if you were addicted to porn, what can you do?
And like like we try to work on the system here
like we try to work on the system here at healthy gamer like you know we went
at healthy gamer like you know we went to Capitol Hill last year or earlier
to Capitol Hill last year or earlier this year time is a blur
and like tried to increase funding for the addiction workforce by $2 billion.
the addiction workforce by $2 billion. So we tried to do things on a systems
So we tried to do things on a systems level right we try to do things with the
level right we try to do things with the United Nations World Health Organization
United Nations World Health Organization United States government whatever we we
United States government whatever we we like work on those angles. So we're
like work on those angles. So we're trying to fix the problem systemically.
trying to fix the problem systemically. Right? Because the system sucks. But if
Right? Because the system sucks. But if you're someone who's struggling,
you're someone who's struggling, you've got two choices. Wait for the
you've got two choices. Wait for the system to get better
system to get better or control what you can in URL. And this
or control what you can in URL. And this is what makes it so hard because we're
is what makes it so hard because we're so focused on loneliness. We're so
so focused on loneliness. We're so focused on nofap and cutting back our
focused on nofap and cutting back our usage. This is the reason why despite
usage. This is the reason why despite the fact that people are doing all of
the fact that people are doing all of this stuff, it's not working.
this stuff, it's not working. On a global scale, it may work for some
On a global scale, it may work for some people, but the problem is still
people, but the problem is still increasing. And the reason it's
increasing. And the reason it's increasing is because we don't
increasing is because we don't understand really what the problem is.
understand really what the problem is. So many people I work with who are
So many people I work with who are struggling with pornography spend all of
struggling with pornography spend all of their cognitive energy in trying to
their cognitive energy in trying to watch less and then they relapse.
watch less and then they relapse. Whereas that's not where the problem is.
Whereas that's not where the problem is. So you're spending all of your energy
So you're spending all of your energy digging a hole where there is no water
digging a hole where there is no water for your well. So you can dig as much as
for your well. So you can dig as much as you want to. you're cognitively
you want to. you're cognitively exhausted. It doesn't even work.
There are all these perceptions about, you know, what what it does to your
you know, what what it does to your relationships. Those are it does not
relationships. Those are it does not have a effect on the relationship. The
have a effect on the relationship. The effect it has on your relationship
effect it has on your relationship depends on who you are, depends on your
depends on who you are, depends on your partner, who your partner is, and how
partner, who your partner is, and how y'all navigate that. We'll get to that
y'all navigate that. We'll get to that in a minute.
in a minute. So, if you're struggling with porn,
So, if you're struggling with porn, focus on building a life. Focus on
focus on building a life. Focus on becoming autonomous, becoming competent
becoming autonomous, becoming competent because those are the psychological
because those are the psychological vulnerabilities that when you feel that
vulnerabilities that when you feel that way and you feel rejected, then you feel
way and you feel rejected, then you feel bad on the inside, then you turn to the
bad on the inside, then you turn to the porn. That's what creates the cycle.
porn. That's what creates the cycle. And this is why, you know,
And this is why, you know, when we like, so we developed a coaching
when we like, so we developed a coaching program specifically to target
program specifically to target technology, the the technological world
technology, the the technological world we live in. And that's why the northstar
we live in. And that's why the northstar that we have, it's not a clinical
that we have, it's not a clinical program.
program. The reason it's not a clinical problem
The reason it's not a clinical problem because it's the goal isn't depression
because it's the goal isn't depression or anxiety. Our our north star is life
or anxiety. Our our north star is life purpose.
The reason we built it that way is because if you can develop a purpose in
because if you can develop a purpose in your life, if you can become autonomous
your life, if you can become autonomous and competent and start to build a life,
and competent and start to build a life, then the addiction will melt away. You
then the addiction will melt away. You still have to do some behavioral stuff
still have to do some behavioral stuff around it, but the fuel for it is gone.
around it, but the fuel for it is gone. And that's why when we put together
And that's why when we put together lectures like this, we're trying to
lectures like this, we're trying to explain to youall what the principles
explain to youall what the principles are so you can understand where to
are so you can understand where to target your energy.
Okay. Now let's talk about pornography and
Now let's talk about pornography and relationships.
relationships. So pornography isn't good or bad for
So pornography isn't good or bad for relationships. Whether it is good for
relationships. Whether it is good for bad for relationships depends on the
bad for relationships depends on the people involved.
people involved. So, first thing that makes pornography
So, first thing that makes pornography harmful in relationships is a moral
harmful in relationships is a moral stance towards it. The moment that you
stance towards it. The moment that you moralize it, doesn't matter if it's the
moralize it, doesn't matter if it's the man, doesn't matter if it's a woman,
man, doesn't matter if it's a woman, doesn't matter if you're gay, doesn't
doesn't matter if you're gay, doesn't matter if you're straight, doesn't
matter if you're straight, doesn't matter.
matter. Someone who takes a moral view of
Someone who takes a moral view of pornography,
pornography, presuming there is disharmony,
presuming there is disharmony, uh, someone who takes a moral view, I
uh, someone who takes a moral view, I mean, it's only a problem if you use
mean, it's only a problem if you use pornography and you think it's bad or if
pornography and you think it's bad or if y'all are in disagreement. So there are
y'all are in disagreement. So there are cases where if both people are happily
cases where if both people are happily like married or whatever and they both
like married or whatever and they both think that pornography is a sin of the
think that pornography is a sin of the devil and no one ever touches
devil and no one ever touches pornography, I imagine that they're
pornography, I imagine that they're fine.
fine. But the problem isn't the usage. It is
But the problem isn't the usage. It is the view towards the usage.
the view towards the usage. So if you view it as moral infidelity,
So if you view it as moral infidelity, it will cause problems in your
it will cause problems in your relationship and likely lead to an
relationship and likely lead to an increase in divorce.
The other cool thing is that couples who use pornography
couples who use pornography find that it is like really helpful if
find that it is like really helpful if you can approach it in the right way.
you can approach it in the right way. The first thing is that it allows for
The first thing is that it allows for people to explore.
people to explore. So like literally what this looks like,
So like literally what this looks like, I've had patients who've done this. You
I've had patients who've done this. You know, you watch some pornography and you
know, you watch some pornography and you get excited about something and you're
get excited about something and you're like, "Hey, can we try this?"
Because I don't know if this makes sense, but do you all know how awkward
sense, but do you all know how awkward it is
it is to try to tell
to try to tell your partner about your fetishes? Like
your partner about your fetishes? Like just how vulnerable you have to be, how
just how vulnerable you have to be, how scary it is, and then you like have to
scary it is, and then you like have to go into detail, right? Because like then
go into detail, right? Because like then you speak in like vagues like, "Hey, do
you speak in like vagues like, "Hey, do you ever think about doing other stuff?"
you ever think about doing other stuff?" And they're like, "What do you mean
And they're like, "What do you mean other stuff?" Like they're on their
other stuff?" Like they're on their guard. They're like, "I don't know. Put
guard. They're like, "I don't know. Put your something somewhere."
your something somewhere." I don't know. put your something
I don't know. put your something somewhere. And they're like, "Put my
somewhere. And they're like, "Put my something somewhere. What does that
something somewhere. What does that mean? What do you want me to put where?"
mean? What do you want me to put where?" Right? It's so awkward.
Right? It's so awkward. So the amount of communication skill
So the amount of communication skill that you need is like really really
that you need is like really really high.
So instead, what people will use is they'll watch pornography and be like,
they'll watch pornography and be like, "Hey, should we try this?" And then
"Hey, should we try this?" And then there's an experimentation.
there's an experimentation. And in order to experiment it actually
And in order to experiment it actually like you have to figure out a system of
like you have to figure out a system of communication where the pornography can
communication where the pornography can do some some basic foundation for you
do some some basic foundation for you some scaffolding. So then you start
some scaffolding. So then you start communicating about around it. Then you
communicating about around it. Then you can kind of ask your partner what do you
can kind of ask your partner what do you like about it? What excites you about
like about it? What excites you about this? Hey can we try this? And then it
this? Hey can we try this? And then it can move in the right direction.
can move in the right direction. I think the big a huge mistake that a
I think the big a huge mistake that a lot of people make if y'all are like
lot of people make if y'all are like gooners listening to this. This happens
gooners listening to this. This happens way too often where like usually I don't
way too often where like usually I don't know if it's just because the majority
know if it's just because the majority of my patients who I talk with about
of my patients who I talk with about pornography are dudes but you know
pornography are dudes but you know they'll be like they will try to turn
they'll be like they will try to turn their relationship into their sexual
their relationship into their sexual fantasy that is harmful IMO where it's
fantasy that is harmful IMO where it's like oh yeah like can you do this and do
like oh yeah like can you do this and do this and do this I want you to become
this and do this I want you to become what I see in the pornography that I
what I see in the pornography that I think is bad
think is bad right because then you're not with your
right because then you're not with your partner partner,
partner partner, you are trying to turn your partner into
you are trying to turn your partner into a fantasy.
a fantasy. So, I I find that often times like dudes
So, I I find that often times like dudes who are like, "Yeah, like let's do this
who are like, "Yeah, like let's do this and like let's watch this." They're very
and like let's watch this." They're very self-centered with their approach.
self-centered with their approach. They're not considering their partner's
They're not considering their partner's feelings. It's not an exploration or
feelings. It's not an exploration or experimentation together. That's the key
experimentation together. That's the key thing.
thing. Experimentation means not having an end
Experimentation means not having an end goal in mind. That means figuring it out
goal in mind. That means figuring it out together, relying on communication.
together, relying on communication. So, if y'all are like dudes out there
So, if y'all are like dudes out there and you're like, "Oh, Dr. K says this
and you're like, "Oh, Dr. K says this will enhance our relationships. Let's
will enhance our relationships. Let's watch this porn and I want you to do
watch this porn and I want you to do this to my body." No, that's bad.
this to my body." No, that's bad. Okay. It's It's a way to explore.
Okay. It's It's a way to explore. It's a way to connect. It can be anyway.
It's a way to connect. It can be anyway. And the more that we make it about our
And the more that we make it about our fantasies, the less um you know, the
fantasies, the less um you know, the less
less connected we make it, the more harmful
connected we make it, the more harmful it's going to be. And if you do have,
it's going to be. And if you do have, this is the other thing that makes
this is the other thing that makes pornography harmful is having a
pornography harmful is having a moralistic attitude towards it in
moralistic attitude towards it in relationships and in your personal life.
relationships and in your personal life. So if you view yourself as a pornography
So if you view yourself as a pornography addict and you say pornography is bad
addict and you say pornography is bad and it's a sin of the devil and things
and it's a sin of the devil and things like that, that's going to make things
like that, that's going to make things worse, not better. So that's where like
worse, not better. So that's where like practice a little bit of
practice a little bit of self-compassion. It's not if you have a
self-compassion. It's not if you have a goal of like wanting to reduce your
goal of like wanting to reduce your pornography. You just go for it.
pornography. You just go for it. But you don't need to beat yourself up
But you don't need to beat yourself up in the process,
in the process, right? You can say, "Hey, I want to live
right? You can say, "Hey, I want to live a life that has less pornography or no
a life that has less pornography or no pornography. I don't think it's really
pornography. I don't think it's really healthy for me. It's a it's a process.
healthy for me. It's a it's a process. It's a journey. I'm going to start
It's a journey. I'm going to start working on it, but it's not going to be
working on it, but it's not going to be easy."
So someone's asking why is pornography not banned. I think the reason it's not
not banned. I think the reason it's not banned is because it doesn't clearly
banned is because it doesn't clearly have a uniformly harmful effect
have a uniformly harmful effect because we don't ban things that people
because we don't ban things that people like that hurt us unless they are all
like that hurt us unless they are all damaging. Right? So we have alcohol, we
damaging. Right? So we have alcohol, we have nicotine, we have all kinds of
have nicotine, we have all kinds of addictions, video games, gambling.
We have all kinds of harmful stuff that we allow because people like it and it
we allow because people like it and it doesn't hurt everybody. The stuff that
doesn't hurt everybody. The stuff that is very very very harmful is usually
is very very very harmful is usually what we ban.
what we ban. Okay.
Yeah. And there's a there's a lot of money in it.
money in it. So,
So, um,
so uh, let's do Do you all want to do Okay, let me just look at one other
Okay, let me just look at one other post. Okay, Nofap opened my eyes. It's
post. Okay, Nofap opened my eyes. It's not just about urges, it's about
not just about urges, it's about respect. So let's look at a post and now
respect. So let's look at a post and now that we know more of the science, let's
that we know more of the science, let's try to take a look at a post and see
try to take a look at a post and see where we kind of how we can analyze
where we kind of how we can analyze this. Okay, this is not hate, not red
this. Okay, this is not hate, not red pill, not misogyny. It's a wakeup call
pill, not misogyny. It's a wakeup call for men to stop giving away our energy,
for men to stop giving away our energy, stop chasing fake validation, and start
stop chasing fake validation, and start building real self-respect. I joined
building real self-respect. I joined Nofap to stop wasting time on urges. But
Nofap to stop wasting time on urges. But what I realized in just a few clean days
what I realized in just a few clean days is this. The problem goes way deeper.
is this. The problem goes way deeper. Modern dating feels broken because we
Modern dating feels broken because we helped to break it. Main men gave out
helped to break it. Main men gave out likes, validation, sing, and free
likes, validation, sing, and free attention to women who don't even value
attention to women who don't even value them. Even average girls have 10,000
them. Even average girls have 10,000 plus followers and 100 thirsty DMs. Not
plus followers and 100 thirsty DMs. Not because they've earned it. I'm not quite
because they've earned it. I'm not quite sure what it means to earn it, but
sure what it means to earn it, but because we've enabled it. Threes, ghost
because we've enabled it. Threes, ghost sevens, good men are invisible.
sevens, good men are invisible. Validation is the currency and we're
Validation is the currency and we're broke. No fap helps you wake up. When
broke. No fap helps you wake up. When you stop fapping and chasing your
you stop fapping and chasing your illusions, you start seeing how bad it's
illusions, you start seeing how bad it's gotten. Stop giving free validation to
gotten. Stop giving free validation to women who give you nothing back.
women who give you nothing back. Unfollow thirst first thirst traps.
Unfollow thirst first thirst traps. Build your values. Stop begging to be
Build your values. Stop begging to be seen. Say no to porn only fans and
seen. Say no to porn only fans and digital illusions. Remember,
digital illusions. Remember, self-respect is the first step to real
self-respect is the first step to real love. We as men must act together. One
love. We as men must act together. One guy doing noof fap isn't enough, but
guy doing noof fap isn't enough, but millions of us reclaiming our power that
millions of us reclaiming our power that wires the whole system. Share this,
wires the whole system. Share this, spread it, post it, post it, post it.
spread it, post it, post it, post it. Not for clout, for truth. Respect isn't
Not for clout, for truth. Respect isn't given to men who chase. It's earned by
given to men who chase. It's earned by men who grow.
men who grow. What do y'all think about this?
I this is what like I'm I'm I appreciate these responses.
these responses. So let's start with this, right? Like so
So let's start with this, right? Like so now let's go through our paradigm
now let's go through our paradigm and see if we can sus out what's going
and see if we can sus out what's going on here. So, this is going to be cool.
on here. So, this is going to be cool. What do you think this person thinks
What do you think this person thinks about their self-esteem?
about their self-esteem? Self-esteem is high or low?
This is good. Super mixed is great. So, I think this is really good. So, y'all
I think this is really good. So, y'all are saying super mixed and this is
are saying super mixed and this is exactly the problem is that people have
exactly the problem is that people have a sense of what the problem is, but they
a sense of what the problem is, but they don't really understand what the problem
don't really understand what the problem is. Okay. So, self-esteem is absolutely
is. Okay. So, self-esteem is absolutely in the pits. We need to teach ourselves
in the pits. We need to teach ourselves self-respect. We need to have
self-respect. We need to have self-respect. All of us need to have
self-respect. All of us need to have self-respect. Everyone in the no fap
self-respect. Everyone in the no fap community. Let's do self-respect
community. Let's do self-respect together, bros.
together, bros. It's not I don't respect myself. It's
It's not I don't respect myself. It's projecting out onto everybody else.
projecting out onto everybody else. How do you all feel about this person's
How do you all feel about this person's sense of autonomy? Do you think this
sense of autonomy? Do you think this person is in control of their life?
Right. Stop giving out free validation. Unfollow. Build your value. Stop begging
Unfollow. Build your value. Stop begging to be seen. What do y'all think about
to be seen. What do y'all think about this person's sense of autonomy? Whoa.
this person's sense of autonomy? Whoa. What do we think about their competence?
Right. So competence I think is kind of hard.
hard. Maybe they're competent, maybe they
Maybe they're competent, maybe they aren't.
Right. relatedness. How do you feel about their Yeah. So,
How do you feel about their Yeah. So, we'll leave a question mark there. How
we'll leave a question mark there. How do you feel about their capacity to
do you feel about their capacity to relate and connect to other human
relate and connect to other human beings?
beings? Do you think that they are
Do you think that they are psychologically
psychologically frustrated that they have a
frustrated that they have a psychological need that they try to get
psychological need that they try to get met that then gets rejected?
met that then gets rejected? Low. Here it is. Look at this.
Low. Here it is. Look at this. And I swear I didn't like find a post
And I swear I didn't like find a post that perfectly fits this model. The post
that perfectly fits this model. The post came first.
came first. Someone on our content team sent me this
Someone on our content team sent me this post and they're like, "What do you
post and they're like, "What do you think about this?" So we look at the
think about this?" So we look at the data and suddenly everything becomes
data and suddenly everything becomes clear.
clear. Right? So this is where they're t and
Right? So this is where they're t and here's the problem.
here's the problem. So here's where I think the problem is.
So here's where I think the problem is. Here's how we change it. Stop giving
Here's how we change it. Stop giving validation. Unfollow thirst traps. Build
validation. Unfollow thirst traps. Build your value, your mind, your income, your
your value, your mind, your income, your wealth. Stop begging to be seen. So I
wealth. Stop begging to be seen. So I think the problem with this is this is
think the problem with this is this is all in relation to the other person
all in relation to the other person except for this,
right? They think, and this is what I think the problem is. This is where all
think the problem is. This is where all the misogyny comes from.
the misogyny comes from. See, if you're addicted to pornography
See, if you're addicted to pornography or you're like in this alpha male kind
or you're like in this alpha male kind of thinking, it's not necessarily
of thinking, it's not necessarily misogyny. It's not necessarily hate, but
misogyny. It's not necessarily hate, but there's still the locust of power is
there's still the locust of power is still with the other person. So you
still with the other person. So you think like, oh, I am weak because I
think like, oh, I am weak because I simp. We all simp. We're all weak. If we
simp. We all simp. We're all weak. If we stop sing, then we will be strong
stop sing, then we will be strong automatically. That's not how it works.
automatically. That's not how it works. It is not the stopping of the sing that
It is not the stopping of the sing that makes you strong. It is the development
makes you strong. It is the development of strength that no longer makes you
of strength that no longer makes you need to simp. It's the other way around.
need to simp. It's the other way around. The answers have very I mean there's a
The answers have very I mean there's a behavioral component sure where like if
behavioral component sure where like if you're just doing this all the time it's
you're just doing this all the time it's hard but this should not be your focus.
hard but this should not be your focus. This is a great focus.
Build a life that is worth living. These behaviors will melt away.
behaviors will melt away. And this is the problem is if you say
And this is the problem is if you say stop giving free validation what's that
stop giving free validation what's that going to be driven by? It's going to be
going to be driven by? It's going to be driven by anger. Stop it. I hate you and
driven by anger. Stop it. I hate you and I hate myself.
I hate myself. You're giving into that emotion. You're
You're giving into that emotion. You're amplifying that emotion. The more you
amplifying that emotion. The more you amplify that emotion, the more the
amplify that emotion, the more the you're pouring gasoline onto a fire. So,
you're pouring gasoline onto a fire. So, we try to like hard knuckle ourselves.
we try to like hard knuckle ourselves. Like,
it can help. Certainly, it can get you started, but it's not the root of the
started, but it's not the root of the problem. Stopping to give someone
problem. Stopping to give someone validation will just turn you into a
validation will just turn you into a cold person. It's not actually filling
cold person. It's not actually filling the void. No one in here, nowhere in
the void. No one in here, nowhere in here is this person saying connect with
here is this person saying connect with another human being. Find a partner who
another human being. Find a partner who loves you,
right? They sort of talk about building your value. And I don't blame this
your value. And I don't blame this person. I don't think this person is bad
person. I don't think this person is bad or anything like that. I think this
or anything like that. I think this person is on their journey. They've
person is on their journey. They've discovered something. They're sharing it
discovered something. They're sharing it with someone. This is the beautiful
with someone. This is the beautiful thing about the internet is that we
thing about the internet is that we don't have to know all the answers.
don't have to know all the answers. We're all on a journey. We can figure
We're all on a journey. We can figure out a piece. It's kind of in the right
out a piece. It's kind of in the right direction. But do you all see how like
direction. But do you all see how like in the right direction can fall off very
in the right direction can fall off very quickly because of a couple of
quickly because of a couple of fundamentals?
Like if I dial your phone number and I mess up one digit by 10%, I end up in a
mess up one digit by 10%, I end up in a completely different place.
completely different place. So I think the problem that I see a lot
So I think the problem that I see a lot with pornography addiction today is that
with pornography addiction today is that you have to know all of it or as much of
you have to know all of it or as much of it as you can get. It doesn't work to
it as you can get. It doesn't work to just figure out one piece because then
just figure out one piece because then your solutions will be in the wrong
